


Oh! It slipped my mind!

by Bubble_Dreamer



Series: Hellish Afterlife [5]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: 1930s, 1940s, Anxiety, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Great Depression, Immigration & Emigration, Late Night Conversations, Lies, Loneliness, Memories, Murder Husbands, Murder Wives, Nurses, Paranoia, Repressed Memories, Soldiers, The Great Escape, World War II, a lot of lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28442061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubble_Dreamer/pseuds/Bubble_Dreamer
Summary: In a moment of weakness, in a moment of doubt, you started to recall your last years of human life. But would your memories answer all your moral questions? Or maybe the regret would fill your heart once again?
Relationships: Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Reader
Series: Hellish Afterlife [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930402
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	Oh! It slipped my mind!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Here, the very quick idea for a chapter, prompted by a feedback I received. Thank you for that a lot!!! If I didn’t get some of the facts stright, I’m sorry. I’m no native, and may be slightly unfamiliar with both, American and British culture and history of laws, but I tried to make the story to be consistent and as close to truth as it was possible. This is still fanfiction though :D This chapter is basically flashback showing the last decade of Reader’s life and begins straight after the garden party. Alastor appears there from time to time too :P How could he not?  
> F/C – Your favorite color  
> F/N – Your false name  
> Y/N – Your name

Despite the fact that Angel indeed managed to make you feel better, you couldn’t help but feel slightly thoughtful and wistful for the rest of the day. You managed to prevent Alastor from grilling your assistant, nor he prepared one of her feet for his own lucky charm, so you could say that the crisis was staved off successfully. Charlie immediately presented Margaret with a key and explained everything to her and was so excited that for the rest of the evening and night she was literally emotionally unavailable. She was talking about redemption only what dampened your mood even more.

When it got really late you called it a night and you and Alastor headed to your room. Well, his room that you occupied together unless he became unbearable to you. In that case you had your own, where you could spend your time undisturbed. 

When you prepared for the bed, taking a long, warm shower, brushing your fangs and hair, you folded your wings neatly so they wouldn’t disturb your rest. You had to do so, since you had them. It was a little bit of a hastle but you still preferred to have them than not. You didn’t complain. 

Closing the door to bathroom quietly you entered the room where Alastor was already, wearing his red set of two pieced pajamas, sitting on the bed, reading a book. In the Hell, he became too lazy to actually keep objects up with his hands so using his magic, the book levitated in front of his face, the pages were turning themselves on his whim. You smiled fondly seeing him so calm, yet still with a smile on his lips. You still preferred to do things in traditional way so you approached the wardrobe and taking off your robe you hanged it on the hanger inside. This way you were wearing only your F/C nightdress, all ready to finally succumb to sleep. 

Your eyes fell on the baskets that you had stored at the bottom of the wardrobe by accident. They were full of lingerie, styled according to trends of different decades. Oh, Rosie… She still presented you with new pieces despite your strong denials. At first you thought that she wanted to buy your _friendship with useful presents,_ however, later you realized that she wasn’t doing that for you at all. It unnerved you a little, but you couldn’t show your moments of weakness in here, so you didn’t do so even in front of a _friend._ Well, Alastor still preferred you more clothed than not, but when you were slightly underdressed, especially in innocently revealing lingerie, he usually acted weird. Not entirely uncomfortable but certainly awkward and that made you feel off as well. 

Yeah, somehow the sight of you skimpy, yet elegantly clothed stirred him up. In quite unfamiliar way. And somehow Rosie knew about it. Hmm, you memorized Angel’s questions about kinks all at once….

You lied down next to your still reading husband, and stared at the ceiling for a minute or two, already knowing that your mind wouldn’t let you go so easily. And so your thoughts drifted, far, far away to the past. The past that was your clear answer to the question that you asked yourself from time to time. The question that you asked yourself just a few hour ago, when you started to doubt anything. 

_Were you, too, allowed to seek redemption at all?_

The memories had overflown your mind with short, yet vivid scenes from your past life. Your human life, when you were allowed to be yourself. Truly yourself. 

…

Did you deserve it all? 

After _showing a mercy_ to your murderous husband, cutting his painful life shorter than it would be, you were immediately discovered. You found yourself in quite a predicament that made you feel as if devil himself breathed on your neck! 

You remembered yourself running out of a house, after hurting both of the policemen that nailed you on your crime. Firstly, you headed to the swamps where you knew Alastor had a small hideout. He needed to keep his murder instruments somewhere, right? You simply hoped that police didn’t find that small stash yet otherwise you would be double doomed. But you didn’t linger there for long. 

Firstly you thought you had simple bad luck. The murderous husband, then… an immediate attempt of arrest for your own, _ultimate murder._ So you hoped that it would end up at that. You hoped that you will be chased in the closest area. Maybe within one state? But when you heard your name in crime radio broadcast you knew there was nothing more for you in America. 

You had two choices when it came to travel to Europe. You could go by the ship or airplane. Both costed fortune and had their pros and cons. Well, plane was definitely faster, but also way much expensive. It could cost you half price of brand new car! Economic situation didn’t help. Also typical cruise ship, despite a few weeks that it spent on the water, could take much more travelers. Like a few _hundreds_ more…. You could mix into crowd. The anonymity was crucial there. 

Also you didn’t want to go deaf. 

You didn’t know all that much about novelties in the means of transportation, but loud engines of airplanes were something that you heard about once. Also you didn’t feel comfortable thinking about some old wooden construction to carry you over ocean. So, yeah… ship was your choice. 

However…. You didn’t want to think about Titanic at that time. Well, it sunk when you were a child, over twenty year ago… Now ships were truly unsinkable… right? Well, you didn’t have much of a choice, so you pushed your doubts at the back of your head. 

With that decided, another problem occurred. Money. 

You had some cash that you found in Alastor’s little hideout in the swamps, but that wasn’t much. Enough for immediate escape far away, but still not enough. But you had small fortune saved and stashed at _home._

The home, where you hadn’t been to for past 5 years. The moment when you left for interview in New Orleans was your last in that house. Sure, your parents brought a few personal things of yours when they came to meet Alastor and then take part in your wedding, but you specifically told them to leave that money in peace. After all, traveling with ton of cash was rather irresponsible. And you wanted to leave yourself some gateway. However, you predicted that you would have to escape from one serial killer, not the horde of police. 

Travel within the US was easy, and surprisingly, times of Depression helped you with that greatly. Plenty of families traveled from south in various directions looking for a job, and people cared little for some nameless escapee. When you entered right crowd, no one even questioned you once. Trains were overcrowded with poor migrants, but you had to change your course pretty often just to be safe. This way, your travel home was horribly prolonged but when you found yourself in front of familiar entrance door you felt relief. You felt safe here. At least more than you felt in any train or at any street for the past week. 

For a moment you wondered if you should announce your arrival. If you broke in your own house, not informing your, probably already sleeping parents, then they could think you were common burglar and call cops… But you didn’t want to endanger them at the same time. If you show them your face they would be involved from that on…

You didn’t think all that long as the light from the inside of the house illuminated your face and the door opened revealing both of your parents. Did they hear you? 

“Y/N?” your mother asked in thoughtless surprise and pulled you immediately inside the house. Your father looked around and pushed the door closed immediately after. “Oh child, dear, such a tragedy, such a tragedy…” your mother embraced you immediately, she was already crying. “Whatever will you do now?!” it was obvious they both already knew what happened. 

“I don’t know yet specifically, but it would be better if you didn’t know any details.” You hurriedly explained pained that you would have to stay with the details all alone, but you didn’t want to endanger them, burden with knowledge that someone could exploit one day. “But I need to go far, far away…” you merely said already freeing yourself from their arms. 

“Yes, yes, child you need to go…” your father said thoughtfully, he seemed to be deep in his thoughts and when he hugged you, you didn’t feel any emotions behind it. No comfort. You didn’t have much time to dwell on it though. 

Nodding to both of your parents you turned on your heels and run upstairs. You heard your mother shouting after you that you are safe here and that she will prepare you something to eat, but that didn’t stop you. You literally run into your room and turned to your first hiding stash. You tore it open and your heart froze. It was empty. You turned to another one, the same result. Your adrenaline was the only one keeping you from crying. Something was very not right. You prayed that your last one, the most hidden stash, would still contain your money. And so you tore baseboard off the wall behind your bed and removed two, specific floor planks sighing in relief. Everything was as it should be. You kept the biggest part of your savings here, so, despite the fact that you lost some of your resources, the money from here should be just enough. 

You crawled from under your bed and threw the money to a travel handbag, you also added a set of clothing that was still in your wardrobe and headed to the bathroom. There you found a box of hair dye that your mother used and some makeup articles. You borrowed those too. She shouldn’t have been angry for that, you reckoned. 

Running down the stairs you noticed as all lights were on and your father was standing in front of entrance door, quite defensively. 

“What are you doing Dad?” you had bad feeling about this. 

“You will not go anywhere.” He said coldly, looking at you as if you were his worst enemy. 

“What do you mean? I need to go or you’ll be in trouble!” 

“We already are because of you! You fucking murdered your own husband! And others!” he yelled angrily and you jerked in surprise, barely keeping your balance, still standing on staircase steps. 

“I didn’t kill any others! Did you even try to check dates!? I wasn’t even there when the first victim fell!” you yelled back completely losing control over yourself. 

“You killed Alastor… such a good man…” your mother added crying heavily, suddenly she couldn’t even look at you. 

“Good man?! He was the killer! He forced me to marry him and then I had to kill him because…” you started but you were not allowed to finish. Also your own words betrayed you as you yourself just realized how hopeless your situation were. 

“Forced to marry him?! You are sick, Y/N. How could we not see it earlier! First that idea with university then that fucking interest in murderers! Did you study how to kill a man there!?” 

“Let me go or…”

“Or what? Will you kill your own parents to?!” he asked ridiculously and you blanched in shock. 

“…or I will hang!” you corrected with breaking voice. 

“Maybe it should be so.” He said coldly and something snapped in you. You felt as your eyes stung and tars fell on your cheeks. You had no family anymore. You had no one to lean on, just a bag of cash in hand you could really trust. Trust that it could take you away from there. 

“Y/N… it will be better this way, just give yourself in…” your mother tried to reason with you , calmer than the man you called father once did, but you already heard distant male voices from the front of the house. 

“What will be? Me, dead?!” You ridiculed her assumption already looking for a possible escape. You needed to hurry, or else policemen would surround the house. 

“Maybe they will examine you, close in asylum, you know how it works.” She tried to manipulate you but you merely scowled at her. 

“Yeah, so I know the result will be the same.” Treatments and medication experiments, fledging lobotomy. Yeah, you would be _fine._ You were not sick, you were not _troubled._ You were framed! You were misjudged! 

You had two possibilities. One, the entrance door, but that was positively blocked by your father, or two, back door in kitchen. So you chose the latter one. Jumping off the last steps you pivoted towards kitchen. 

You immediately noticed that the door were locked so you went for a window. Taking a chair you smashed it against the glass and it broke, alongside wooden frame that you managed to literally push outside. You didn’t even think you could possess such strength… But it was adrenaline what was pumping through your veins. 

You threw your bag outside carelessly and yourself jumped on the counter to reach the windowsill just above it. You bumped your legs against the edge quite forcefully and hissed in pain, already knowing that bruises would form. You heard the voice of your father yelling after you and your mother crying loudly. However, they both instructed police where you headed the moment that cops got into the house, and that was _unforgiveable._

You ran as fast and as far as your legs allowed you to. Police rather quickly caught on and headed straight to the train station, carefully patrolling it. But you didn’t head there immediately. No, you weren’t stupid, but you were hungry, so knowing very well your own neighborhood, you waited till the nightfall and sneaked up to an orchard you visited often as a child. You stole a few apples for now and the closest future, just like you did when you were a young teenager. You were lucky it was late summer otherwise you would literally starve. So much changed since that time. You had big dreams back then, and now? You simply wanted to survive. And you had no one. Literally no one on your side. 

That night was the first one that you actually succumbed to your misery. You swallowed pieces of an apple along with your bitter tears. Your situation was hopeless, you already could picture yourself with a noose around your neck. And what for? For a crime that you didn’t even commit? For people you never hurt? You didn’t even know them. 

You knew you wouldn’t be able to buy a ticket and travel legally this time. Calming yourself and coming back to a survival mode, you went a few miles away from the station and hid yourself in bushes, near the railway. Trains were visiting your neighborhood pretty often and by that you meant all types of them. So you jumped on the first cargo train that was passing and travelled like that for the whole day. It managed to pass a few stations barely, as those trains were slow like snails, but otherwise you wouldn’t be able to get on to begin with. You were lucky that they didn’t look for you with the dogs… Huh, it was kind of funny to think that dogs would be a reason of your demise as well... 

When you felt comfortable enough to jump off the train, too far for police to catch you immediately, you changed your train to passenger one. Then it was easy again. The same way you travelled across America, you travelled to the closest port city that offered transatlantic crossings. On your first, overcrowded train you closed yourself in a bathroom and spent a few good minutes there, changing your clothes. You also altered your appearance up to your abilities. 

You plucked part of your eyebrows and with the eyebrow pencil you changed their shape as much as you could. You also put dark lipstick on your lips, making them bigger than they were in reality, also changing their shape slightly. You couldn’t look at yourself feeling like a cheap clown, but you had to admit that you looked less like yourself. You had to do it all using small hand mirror as you would gladly do it all at home, but there was no time for that apparently. 

The hair also did a part of the job. Later, when you finally got to the city, in less _mobile_ public bathroom, you dyed it and styled so you could fit to the trends. Every woman wore her hair within specific range of what was considered fashionable. It was so much easier to look like everyone, at the same time less like an individual, harder to be spotted and to be remembered. 

Later, it turned out that your decision of changing you face was a jackpot. It was good moment too. In newspapers, all around, appeared a short note about you, with an actual bounty for your head. And your photo, that _the parents_ were generous enough to share. It was photo which was taken during your graduation day. Initially it was group, black and white photo, but someone cut you out and placed in the newspaper column. But you changed quite a bit from that time, so it didn’t stress you out much. It more angered you. 

You managed to get to port city without bigger accidents, but the truest _performance_ was just ahead. You scowled at yourself realizing that you started to think in Alastor’s categories. However, that was the truth. While previously the Depression helped you with travel within land, it made everything much more complicated and risky while crossing the border. 

Earlier, you could come in and leave US with no problem, not entirely controlled. But since beginning of 30s’ a lot of people were actually deported, because everyone looked for a job in a dreamland, not everyone in the US liked that. Border check ups began to be a common thing, especially when you came in. So you hoped that leaving wouldn’t be as much of a problem. 

You came to a port and only then you noticed how vast it was. Ships that were docked to the shore were gigantic. There were also a lot of people. Some of them boarding a ship, others were just welcomed on the land. You would gladly board one of them yourself. But you were not ready, not possessing any document on you, you were in deep shit. Without passport you would not be able to leave country at all. You didn’t have contacts to look for less legal methods. Also you wanted to cross an ocean. Who sane would be able to transport you that far?! 

There was always a chance that you could go as a stowaway… but you would have to get on a deck of one of those giants… You were no athlete. Out of question. Also, there were guards everywhere. Being stowaway wasn’t so easy anymore… You couldn’t hide in a barrel… Oh my god… what were you thinking?! At that point you started to panic. 

Maybe, you could impersonate some servant, you would be nearly invisible then… No one cared for servants! The richest of the travelers still traveled with their servants right? It wasn’t all that uncommon. But it was obvious that the idea of being someone’s servant for the travel time was unrealistic as well. After all, people knew who they hire! Your ‘employers’ would unmask you immediately! 

Ugh, your ideas were getting worse and worse! OR… maybe not. 

You could simply impersonate someone. Someone that was fairly similar to you. You started to look around. You simply needed to find a woman, that just arrived and didn’t need her passport anymore. Soon at least. You frantically rolled your eyes from left to right looking for someone, anyone that would fit in your plan… One was comparable to you, but had different hair color, the another’s nose was completely different even if the rest matched, the other’s was way too old… 

You started to lose your hope until your eyes met a pair that was waaay too _intimate_ in public for you to feel comfortable. You was about to turn your eyes away but they disconnected and you saw the woman’s face. And she could be your sister! You noticed her bag and it seemed that she was the final puzzle! You nearly jumped in unrestrained happiness, but… there was another crucial problem. You would have to steal her documents! You had never steal anything, not mentioning stealing from under someone’s nose! 

But there was no other option. You had to do it. And so you were bracing yourself to do it until you felt small body colliding with yourself. You were so distracted that you barely noticed as the boy excused himself, running away from you. An unattended child in place like this? In the crowd, full of… Wait a second. 

You instinctively checked your pocket which was empty. It was a pickpocket! Under normal circumstances, you would panic, but this time your pockets were empty to begin with. You kept everything in your bag, under your unrelenting gaze. You started to look around, seeing a lifetime opportunity. You managed to spot him close to opening to a narrow alley, and not minding the crowd anymore you ran after him. And you caught him, as he didn’t expect anyone to spot him in the first place. He was short and agile, but you were determined and deadly serious. It was case of your life and death, you didn’t want to die. Had you wanted to die, you would refuse Alastor’s offer in the first place. Sometimes you wondered what kind of death would be worse…

“Oi, let me go you hag!” the boy demanded but you were unyielding. Even if he twisted your wrist uncomfortably during his struggles. 

“Hag?” How dare he?! “Excuse me but I think you tried to steal from me!” 

“Yeah? You have no proof, I have nothing of yours!” 

“Yes, because I have nothing to steal to begin with.” You retorted, lying with straight face. “Listen up. I’ll pay you, _legally pay_ you if you’ll work for it.” At that the boy stopped to struggle and looked at you curiously. 

“What do you want me to do?” he changed his tone immediately. 

“Do you see that lady? The one with red scarf?” you pointed the direction for him to look, but your hand didn’t let him go yet. 

“Yeah.” He confirmed and looked at you like a mad woman. 

“I need you to steal her documents for me. The way that she doesn’t notice. It is very important.” You stressed hurriedly. 

“You wanna her papers? No money?” his confusion grew. 

“No, just passport. Steal it, give it to me, and I’ll pay you. But she cannot feel a thing otherwise you will see no cent and I will snitch at you.” You threatened weakly, you wouldn’t do so. You might as well tie a noose on your neck yourself. 

“Yeah, and I snitch at you.” He talked back and you placed your hands on your hips. 

“We’ll see who they will believe, boy.” In your case they would probably arrest you first. “You want money or not?” 

“Fine…” he drawled like bored teenager even if he was a few years too young. 

“Good now go, and don’t let them catch you.” You hurried and stayed in the alley observing everything from afar. For the moment you lost the sight of him in the still growing crowd, but you trusted his abilities. You had to. Instead, you directed your gaze towards the pair. They were hugging each other again. Ugh… how classy. That, however left the woman’s bag unattended for a while, she still had it in hand but her eyes were elsewhere… Their affections apparently played great role in the theft art as the boy bumped into the pair out of nowhere, so strongly, that the woman swayed and, if not the strong grip of her partner, she would fall to the ground. You cursed. He ought have been discreet! 

The woman realizing that she was bumped by a pick pocketing child panicked. She started to look though her bag frantically but when she noticed her wallet and other contains of the bag intact, she immediately calmed down and shook her head with expression of disapproval at the man she was intimate with a few moments ago. They both looked around once more and then turned and disappeared behind the exit. The boy obediently returned to you in the alley and you frowned at him. 

“You were lucky that they didn’t call cops!” you scolded harshly but the boy merely shrugged his shoulders. 

“And so what? It wouldn’t be the first time…” he boasted. “Now money.” 

“First you show me document. I want to know if you stole the right one.” You couldn’t give out your money like charity. Not this time. 

“Fine..” he drawled again and opened the small, leather case, showing you the frontal page of the passport. And yes, it would be just fine. F/N… she thankfully was citizen of the States so you wouldn’t have to lie in foreign language or something. The age was also similar as you predicted. The photo was good, you looked similar and the sepia diminished all possible, distinctive differences between you two. You would have to adjust your makeup once more but it could work. “Money, I don’t have the whole day.” The boy complained and it was your turn to scoff. 

“Here. Don’t steal… too much, ok?” you asked him feeling the sudden wave of guilt. The pickpocket rolled his eyes on you, very unamused, as for a child. 

“Yeah, unless my dad gets his job back…” he jabbed and hid money you gave him into his torn pants “I should have steal from that lady, she was loaded, had jewelry inside that bag…”

“Well, it is good that you didn’t otherwise they would chase you…” you mothered him and he rolled his eyes again. “But thanks, by the way…”

“Yeah, whatever…” at that he ran away and you eyed the document at depth. 

F/N, this was your name now, and recently (as that day) you returned from the Netherlands. The passport had the stamps and for the moment you wondered if you should leave it as it was. But then you decided otherwise. It would be suspicious to buy a ticket back to Europe the same day you came back to America. It wouldn’t make any sense as the travel one way lasted weeks, so you tore the page containing the stamp carefully. It was nearly impossible to notice that the document was altered anyhow. Ah, years of arts and crafts done out of boredom payed off with chirurgical precision! 

You went to the bathroom and entered one of the stalls. You couldn’t say that this place was the cleanest of all you ever visited, but you couldn’t complain. Using the small, hand mirror again you adjusted your brews, making them slightly thicker as the photo indicated. You also wiped the excess of the lipstick as the woman’s lips were thinner. The hair was just the same. She probably had different shade of it but a monochrome of the picture was your friend now. You put back on your small hat and confidently exited the bathroom, heading to the ticket offices. You were a bundle of nerves though. There were lines of people waiting for their turn and you needed to wait patiently with them. You felt so exposed. You felt as many people looked at you funny. You felt as if you waited the whole eternity in that line, until the man behind the glass called you next. 

“I’d like to buy one low-cost cabin ticket to England.” You expressed confidently. 

“A passport, please.” He examined it for a while, looking very quickly between you and the photo of the document. “Do you travel alone?” 

“Yes, sir.” It was the first time when he looked at you longer than a second. He actually stared. 

“Why do you want to go to Europe?” he didn’t lower his gaze. 

“To visit my friend.” 

“Where does your friend live?” that question surprised you. Were those habitual questions? 

“In Paris. She lives in Paris.” It was the first city that came to your mind. You didn’t even manage to regret that choice when the man shot you with another question. 

“Why England then?” he observed you warily now. At least you felt as if he did. A breathing started to feel difficult but you needed to keep on. Otherwise you’d hang. 

“We meet there. She wanted to see the capital, never been there. Then, we travel together to Paris, that’s the plan.” You smiled at the man who lowered his glasses to look at you over them. Now you were really nervous. 

“Do you plan to stay there long?” 

“Well… I don’t think so…”

“Do you plan to work there?” 

“Well… if I’ll run short of money, perhaps…?” it was more of a question on your side. You knew you would. You just didn’t know if it was wise to tell him that. 

“Then I wish you to have more luck there than we all have here.” He commented, put a stamp on the passport and a ticket, sliding them both closer to you. He recited the price and you felt very weak hearing the amount of money that it would cost you, but you didn’t show it. At least tried to. Giving him money he allowed you to take the papers and gave you _not so generous_ change back. 

“The ship will leave tomorrow, at noon. Don’t be late, they won’t wait for anyone.” He advised and with a grateful smile and a quick curtsy you thanked him and left. You did it! You really did! Now you just needed to wait through the night somewhere and be back on time. You hoped that the woman whose passport you currently possessed wouldn’t realize that it was gone till that time. 

In the end you, clutching the bag with all your belongings, spent the night in a nearby park. The weather was pleasant, slightly chill but you survived it. You barely slept though, as you decided to keep a wary eye on other homeless people that kept you company. 

Next day, you were naturally on time, obediently waiting in a line of people boarding the ship. After showing your ticket, along with a quick passport checkup, and going up the plank you felt the relief. You felt it truly for the first time since Alastor died. But only when you entered your assigned cabin you felt truly free. The ship was already leaving the shore and as long as you were on the sea, no one could hurt you. Time had stopped in that moment. 

…

In the UK there was another control of your documents. They eyed your passport and ticket carefully. Much more than in the States. After all, they needed to be sure who they let in their own country. Surprisingly again, you were lucky this time. As the 1933 was the exact year when Nazis took over Germany, a lot of people, mostly Jews’ community, started to emigrate, directing themselves mainly to the UK. The increased number of people coming from the continental part of Europe was so overwhelming, that people coming from America were treated marginally. 

A knowledge of the language was a huge advantage too. 

The immigration officer at the port eyed your documents, then compared the photo with your face and nodding approvingly stamped your passport, allowing you to go. You smiled at him gratefully and he smiled back. 

“Welcome in the UK! Wish you pleasant stay, Ma’am.” 

“Thank you, have a nice day, Sir!” you replied with courtesy and confidently left the port. You walked fast but not suspiciously fast. You wanted to be as far of any uniformed man as it was possible. Now you had to get to know with your new surroundings and find a place to stay. 

You barely managed to exit the Immigration Office building that was your last barrier and possible threat, when young boy, between 12 to 15 years, accosted you. He was wearing a gigantic cardboard sign and holding flyers. A lot of flyers. 

“Hello Ma’am! Do you look for a place to stay, perhaps?” he started slyly. 

“Uh, oh yes, I happen to, actually…” you replied a little out of your element. He surprised you appearing out of nowhere. 

“Mind if I offered you a room? It is located in wonderful district of the city! The last chance as our rooms go like hot cakes!” he announced and gave you a flyer. And oh boy, it was plenty of money. 

“Don’t let that scoundrel fool you, Ma’am! His rooms are rat holes!” another boy with another big cardboard sign shouted to you. You didn’t see him before. Actually you didn’t see the whole group of them. There was approximately dozen of teenagers trying to sell rooms to stay in to newcomers and, like vultures, they all competed between one another, just in front of the port exit. “May I offer you my service instead?” he asked confidently, winking at you. 

“Oi, watch it!” the boy you were talking with first, turned to his opponent, already taking off his own cardboard sign. Taking the closest rock he threw it ahead and another boy ducked, laughing mockingly. You could only stare. 

“Oi, you both, scatter this instant. No throwing rocks on my watch!” A man with a broom, janitor perhaps, yelled and looked at you standing in the middle of the havoc. He eyed you quickly. “You just came, didn’t you?” 

“Yes, I did.” You admitted, your travelling clothes and a bag in hand was an easy give away. 

“If you look for a room, but don’t look to lose all your money on first rent, I wouldn’t even talk with that rascals. They’ll rob you before you blink.” He replied, swiftly coming back to lazy sweeping the ground around. 

“Thank you for the advice.” 

“Actually, I can help you with that.” he offered and you frowned in suspicion. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I can offer you a room.” You frowned _deeper_ in suspicion but he man laughed at your expression. “Don’t worry, I have no bad intentions. Actually I want just money and I happen to have a spare room.” You were still not convinced. “Listen, my sister was widowed recently and needs money. She has the room and honestly could use some company. She lives with her kids. If you want, you can see for yourself. I’ll give you an address.” At that you hesitantly agreed. What worse could happen, worse than the hell you were actually living through? 

The janitor gave you the address and directions, and told you to tell his sister that you were coming on his behalf. In that case, she would probably let you in. On your way, you dropped in an exchange office and changed part of your money, not all at once, even if you doubted that you would need dollars anymore. 

The house wasn’t far away, so you got there on foot. It was one of those British terraced-houses that you imagined would be quite popular in England. And you weren’t wrong, they were popular. In that part of the city at least. There were houses like that everywhere. All the same to you. Thankfully some of them had numbers painted on the walls or small signs on their brick fences, so you easily located your destination. 

Standing in front of the right entrance door you felt uneasy. You remembered as you stood just like that in front of your own house’s door and then things went awry. What if you would be recognized here too? 

No. How could you be even recognized in the UK? You were far away from home. Information wouldn’t travel that far. You wouldn’t be deported… You had a clean slate here. So you knocked. 

The door didn’t open immediately. Actually, you thought that no one was inside and were ready to leave when you heard the sound of a lock. The door opened and young woman, circa your age, looked through the gap suspiciously. 

“Who are you? I am not going to buy anything.” 

“Oh no, no I don’t sell anything. I actually got the word from your brother that I could rent a room here.” 

“My brother?” 

“Yes, I met him at the port. I was looking for a place to stay and he suggested me to visit you.” 

“And who are you?” 

“I’m F/N. I came just today…” you started but she shook her head dismissively. 

“Fine, you can come in.” she opened her door wider and you entered, probably a tad too fast. But you didn’t feel comfortable in plain sight. “Sorry for the mess but life is… hectic recently.” You heard a sound from the other room, as if small child was about to break into tears. You quickly looked around. The house was…. mess. If Alastor saw that…

No. You promised yourself not to think of him anymore. He was a past story, and that would never come back. Although your eyes watered. 

“Is everything alright?” she asked you seeing your emotional hesitation. 

“I… yes. It’s just that… it is as you said…. hectic…” you laughed through your barely contained tears. “I can help you with the house if you want…”

“Oh, no… there’s no need…” at that point the child started to cry at full volume and she grimaced. “Excuse me, I’ll show you the room in a sec..” she hurried to the another room and took the child that was making a fuss. You took a step ahead, after her, and looked inside to see also another, slightly older child, a boy looking at you curiously. She looked up and frowned at you. “I told you to wait.” 

“I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood.” You defended yourself, at what she merely sighed annoyingly. 

“Alright. Come.” She was shushing still crying toddler in her arms when she lead you upstairs, ending up in small corridor with three door. She pushed one of them opened. It was small room with merely bed and small chest of drawers inside, but it was enough for you. “Here. Children stay with me in my room which is here…” she pointed the another door. “…so this one is for rent. The bathroom is there.” She pointed the third door in small corridor and turned back to you. “It is not much but I have nothing more to offer.” 

“It is enough for me, really.” 

“How long do you plan to stay?” 

“Honestly… I don’t know yet. I need to find some job, that’s for sure…”

“Do you even have papers?” 

“Papers? I have only passport with stay allowance on me…”

“Uhm…” she hummed disapprovingly and turned back to the crying child. It started to play on your nerves, but you managed to maintain a small, kind smile. “Then it won’t be as easy, but I have a few acquaintances.” 

“Wait… You’ll help me?” you couldn’t believe in what you were hearing. Suspicious enough…

“Well, if I want you to pay me for the room then I also need to make sure you earn some money, right?” she reasoned almost boringly. You didn’t necessarily liked her grumpy attitude but given that she recently lost her husband and obviously didn’t cope very well… It was understandable. You hoped that you would deal with your situation better. 

“Well, it makes sense.” You said and agreed on her offer. The rent was almost two times lower than the one you were proposed at the port exit so you really couldn’t complain. True, constantly crying children were big no for you, but you couldn’t really complain and fuss in your situation. 

At first woman didn’t trust you at all. And was rather cold in relations but as you offered her your help once more she didn’t refuse. Well, you wanted to collect good deeds, you had plenty sins to overwrite. The cleaning of the house took actually a few days. But you cleaned everything. The organizing kitchen took the most of the time as it was literally cluttered with dirty pots and, sometimes, rotting food. It was simply disgusting. 

When the house looked plausible the mood of the woman also improved. And she was kinder to you. You, not possessing the right documents was a problem, and she told you that she would have to persuade her friend to give you that job. She didn’t have a phone though, so she had to go personally to get you that position. You, surprisingly, was left alone with her kids. Oh, joy. It was merely a few hours but those two already managed to overwhelm you. The boy was no more than five and his younger sister couldn’t speak yet but was able to crawl around just fine. 

You couldn’t force yourself to act any different around them so you treated those two like proper grownups. These were worst a few hours of your new life. When their mother came back she told you that the job was yours and you are expected at the given address next day, around noon. 

You would work in pub, helping around. Again, not your dream job, but it could be worse and you definitely couldn’t fuss. So thanking profusely you excused yourself, going up to your room, escaping grabby hands of those two little _demons._

The next day you went to meet your new boss and so it began. The new life of yours. 

…

You worked in the pub for a few months already, but you noticed as your mental capacity visibly worsened. There were plenty of people going in, going out and you felt fatally exposed there. To your horror, a lot of policemen visited as well, during and out of duty. Your paranoia grew in strength and despite the fact that you told yourself that it was just in your head, you also couldn’t help it. One day, however, literally crushed your remaining confidence. Being at work, cleaning the counter you witnessed two policemen talking to each other about the freshest crimes they managed to encounter. It seemed as if each one tried to tell a better tale so you involuntary eavesdropped a word or two. 

“…And, I tell you, a wife killed a man!” you choked on the air. No, nonono… they didn’t…! “He probably cheated and she just went and shot him a few times. Warning shots she said, haha!” so they were talking about a different case. Yes… of course. You almost lost your grip on a glass, because your hands were trembling that much. 

“Yeah, sometimes I just watch mine and wonder what she’s capable of, mate. But she cares more for the kids than me so she probably would simply kick me out!” 

“Hah, true! But that one had to be a real pussy, if he let his wife to kill him. You need to keep them short you know? Mine knows her place well.” If you possessed more strength you would crush that glass in your hand and smash the shards into his… No. wait. You wouldn’t do that. Ever. How could you even think that! “Hey, Ma’am would you mind a refill?” he turned to you, already changing his tone. You felt bad for his poor wife, but nevertheless you nodded at him with a soft smile. 

“Right on the way!” 

That evening, when you ended your shift, you felt additionally drained. You couldn’t stand anymore of emotional swings like that. You needed calmer place to work at. So you started to look around. In the meantime you managed to get your legal papers done, which costed you a penny, more than usually, but in exchange in the Ministry of Labor, they didn’t really pay any mind to small inaccuracies in your data. Well, given that you still used your stolen passport then they could be considered only as _small._

You tried in a few places but either they didn’t have any positions to give or you were underqualified. Or at least you didn’t have your official certificates that would prove your qualifications… _again._

Finally, you found something just perfect for your unusual situation. They were looking for a help in a public library! A librarian was soon to be retired and someone had to take over. True, the library was huge and there was a number of people visiting it every day, but it couldn’t be comparable to a pub! The money wasn’t also impressive but for you current rent it was just enough. 

You worked there till 1939 and during that time you unfortunately had to change your living quarters as well. Children grew up slightly, your landlady found another _love of her life,_ and the room you rented suddenly was needed for a family sake. 

It was inconvenient, but you were partially glad. As the older boy started going to school, his friends visited him sometimes. And they met that weird, quiet lady living with his family. You wondered how many people in the neighborhood looked at you suspiciously. 

Another place you found was similar in terms of an equipment and rent but it was in different district of the city. It also made you feel slightly lonely. You didn’t live with anyone this time. You rented a room in semi-detached house with three other people, each of them had their own single room, and elderly landlady. Despite sharing one kitchen and a bathroom you barely met anyone though. Your working hours were completely different and they weren’t very open. 

It left you with your thoughts and you thought a lot. Your life was mundane and kind of boring, but at the same time you were way too scared to start living it to its fullest. You were afraid of meeting new people. You felt as if they somehow knew your secret. You were even afraid to walk out for the police patrolling the streets. You knew it was irrational, but you couldn’t be too safe. 

Sometimes you couldn’t sleep. Quite often at that. The narrow bed felt cold and unwelcoming so you usually turned the radio on. It always played quiet tune that lulled you to sleep. 

When the 1939 came slowly to its end, the newspapers, radios and television alike announced something that everyone feared for a few years already. The World War II. It didn’t began immediately, not for England at least. Nazis started with central Europe, invading Poland at first but everyone was obviously scared. So it was predictable that less people came to library, gaining their up to date information from media. 

Soon the conflicts begun to be more vicious, London was bombed almost to the ground merely year later. You managed to survive that luckily, but many didn’t. You helped as much as you could, evacuating people, children, elderly. It was so loud, so overwhelming. The mere buzzing sound of aircraft’s engines made your stomach squeeze in an authentic fear. City was in ruins. It was in fire. But such obvious civil duty as helping singular citizens was not enough for you. You came there, you stayed there despite your common sense, to redeem. 

Then the flyers and posters started to appear. Firstly, they concerned the recruitment to Air Raid Wardens as bombings were everyday reality since 1940. Later you noticed another type of a rescue call. Hospitals that were still in use recruited willing souls to train, and then send to places where there were active fights going on. As a medical service. There were too few people for anything. You didn’t think twice. 

With the flyer in a hand, you entered one of such a hospitals and was greeted by the vast group of women, all gathered in the main hall and corridors. All of them were rather gloomy but they didn’t restrain from talks, and so the hospital was filled with murmurs. You noticed that all of them held some kind of form and that got you curious. 

“Excuse me…” one of the women you chose from the crowd turned to you. “Is that form required to recruit oneself? Where could I find it?” 

“Oh, yes, you need the filled form to get to the initial interview. You’ll get the form there and they also direct you to the correct room for the interview. There’s plenty of people, they split us between a few rooms.” 

“I see, thank you very much.” She nodded at you wishing you luck and you proceeded with her instructions. Getting the document in hand you felt the wave of insecurity. You felt that each and every time when you had to reveal your data, your fabricated data. You had that nagging feeling that someone would question you and your creditability. 

You borrowed a pen and filled it in hastily, leaning the paper against the wall. There was no place to do so normally. When you approached the registration window again they stamped your form to prove its veracity and directed you to the right room for your interview. You blanched at the sight of at least twenty women already waiting for their turn. You stood at the end of the line and observed as there were already others, standing behind you. You felt surrounded and outnumbered. Just like seven year earlier, standing in the line for a boat ticket, during your escape. This time though, you were slightly calmer. Only slightly though. 

Despite the horrible amount of women in front of you, you waited no longer than forty minutes, up to an hour, perhaps. The interviews were quick and many women entered the room in better mood than left it with. 

Soon you saw as the one standing directly in front of you disappeared behind the door and you felt nervousness billed in your stomach. It would be your turn soon, very soon. You set exemplar dialogues in your head and replayed it on repeat. Trying to prepare yourself on any possible option. 

You didn’t have a lot time to dwell on that though. The woman opened door hastily, after literal two minutes, and walked out the office. She still held the form that she had with herself before entering and glanced your way, merely nodding at you to indicate your turn. She was crying. 

Seeing that you gulped and entered closing door behind your back. The man sitting behind the desk didn’t even acknowledge you. So you decided to invite yourself to sit down and hand in the form you filled with your fabricated data before. As soon as the document touched the desk the man grabbed it and examined carelessly. He didn’t seem to even pay any attention. 

“Why do you want to participate?” 

“I recently lost my husband… and have no family. Everyone is dead. I have nothing to lose anymore.” 

“We don’t need devastated and suicidal women here.” He cut in sharply, as if he disregarded you for that reason alone. 

“No, you misunderstood me! I am not suicidal at all. I want to be… to be useful. To help. I want to support you with my energy because I know you need it and I simply would waste it otherwise.” At that he lifted his gaze and eyed you suspiciously. You fought a nervous smile that threatened to appear on your face. You reckoned it was more proper to remain serious. You needed to get in, there was no other option. 

“How do you react at the sight of blood?” was his question and you braced yourself. 

“My husband was a butcher… the sight of blood doesn’t faze me all that much…” you lied, partially but the head medic seemed to accept that without a blink of an eye. 

“So I guess that you have zero experience in medical treatments?” 

“Apart from basic first aid, that would be correct… But I am willing to learn! And I will! My mind grasps every detail easily and I really, really want to help!” you explained hastily, full of improper, maybe a little bit of mad enthusiasm. Yes, you must have been mad. 

“Uhm, alright. We need anyone really.” He muttered under his nose and your enthusiasm wavered for a moment. He seemed quite rude… and strict. But you were quite accustomed to be treated this way, it was common on your university. Women were undermined everywhere. “Here, read this and in two days’ time I see you back here fully prepared to be able to assist me with a section.” He gave you a quite extensive book on human anatomy. “This is war, not the school for midwives. Understood?” 

“Yes, Sir!” you nodded with determination and he put your form to folder with other similar ones, definitely ending any further discussion. 

“I see you at 7 a.m. in two days’ time. Call in another on you way out.” You literally jumped off the chair and run out of the room. 

“You can come in.” you nodded at the next one and with small smile on your face you walked hastily towards the exit. You had plenty to learn and so little time! 

The next two days you read the book memorizing all details of a human body. You were actually lucky that your studies were within similar area because you were familiar with plenty of the terms beforehand. Unfortunately it still was a drop in the ocean. 

When you entered the hospital for the second time, you noticed that the group of women that was actually selected was much smaller than the one you witnessed during the interviewing day. There were four rooms and each one held a list of up to twenty surnames. You found your false one pretty easily. Entering the room you already noticed the very same man that interviewed you. The room was tiled, floor and walls alike and a stone table was placed in the middle. And on the table was laying something, no, not something… a body, covered with cloth. 

“Today I will perform a basic section on this specimen, all in front of you. I want to see what you managed to learn during the past days so expect to be questioned. And you better know the answer. We are not here to waste our time. If you won’t pass today’s test then you can go home and never come back.” Yes, that man was strict. “That being said, a few of you will play my assistants today. You and you, come here.” He pointed two women and ordered them to wear gloves and aprons. Then he started to cut. First a skin, then a sternum. It looked brutal but the man on the table didn’t feel a thing anymore. Then the medic took two devices that looked like butcher hooks and jabbed them between ribs, one for each side. And then, he ordered those women to pull. 

With moment of struggles they managed to pull the mass of skin and bone to the sides, but one of the women, at the sight of organs being revealed, let go of the hook and wavered, nearly fainting in the process. 

“For fuck sake. Help her outside and then come back.” He nodded to another woman standing the closest to her. She immediately obliged. “You take her place.” He pointed at you this time, and you stepped closer without thinking. You also put gloves and apron on and took the hook, pulling towards yourself. The skin and ribs resisted but you used all your strength and it actually managed to lean out, revealing lungs and other spongy organs underneath. The head medic looked at you, but your gaze was directed at the sight before you. You found yourself to be… _mesmerized._ Sadly you’ve seen it before, but who would guess that this kind of experience would be useful to you now. 

“Did you help your husband while he worked?” he asked you and you looked at your teacher in surprise. “Your butcher husband.” He specified but you were still confused. That one moment too long. 

“Oh, I… yes, sometimes.” Realizing your own hesitation you nodded your head and blushed like a goofy teenager. He remembered… How could you be so stupid?! 

“Good. Attach the hook here, otherwise your arms will give out in few minutes.” He simply instructed and proceeded with the lesson. You needed to be more attentive and careful. Your story was believable but you also had to act upon that! 

Your teacher asked some random questions around the room. He mainly pointed different parts of body, inside and outside. He was cutting and extracting different organs, to present them better. At this point two other women had to leave. 

“I see you in two days again. This time you will be cutting.” he informed you all indifferently and you watched as some women gulped nervously. You couldn’t help but feel excited though. “I want to see if your mothers taught you well how to sew.” With that, the lesson was over for that day. 

It was told that the course would take approximately a year but you got your certificate and first assignment after 8 months. Your teacher gave you the letter with orders and four other colleagues of yours were sent to the front. The rest was still not ready. 

“Don’t let yourself to be killed.” Were the kindest words you ever heard from him, but nevertheless you liked him. He was definitely knowledgeable, a true professional, that sacrificed his life to helping others no matter what. Truly good man. 

Later, you unfortunately learnt that the one who died first was no one else but your teacher. The hospital that he was working in, teaching another batch of freshmen, was bombed and totally destroyed. No one survived that. 

But there was no time for mourning one man while there were dozens dying each day! 

After receiving official order you got your uniform and, being packed on the lorry like a cattle, transported to your first destination. How you learnt later it wasn’t your last. You were sent from camp to camp, never able to warm one place, but it was working for you. 

At first you helped with the very easy tasks. You changed beddings, helped soldiers to clean themselves. Then you were allowed to assist medics when they operated. Soon you were allowed to dress non-fatal wounds all alone and later on you were tasked with fatal wounds as well. Quickly you went higher in a hierarchy and ended up as a personal assistant of head medic. You were second in charge and your main task was to order medication and control what lower ranked nurses were doing. It was the time when you had a morphine bottle and a syringe in hand for the first time. 

It was dangerous game. It was very easy to make a mistake and overdose the drugs, which not only ended up with immediate death of the patient, but also was a waste of medication that access to was limited. But you learnt fast, never made a fatal mistake. Also you were known and remembered for your well natured smile, light personality that brightened even the worst day. Maybe that one helped you to go up so fast? No one really realized that it was more of an act on a stage, than the real you, still being afraid of your own shadow. 

“Hello, dear gentlemen! How can I help you today!” you cheerfully asked no one specific, entering the tent confidently. You did that habitually, almost every day. Some men looked at you nodding their heads, others smiled weakly, but no one greeted you verbally. “Oh, why so gloom? Times are dire but we are still alive!” you smiled widely at the men seated on the beds. “And we plan on stay this way, do we not?” 

“Hello, F/N! Beautiful and lively as ever! I swear I get better just by looking at you!” one of the soldiers finally turned to you aloud, when you were passing his bed. 

“Oh, stop it this instant, darling! I’m at work right now!” you joked back flirty and the man laughed when you winked at him. All you could do was to help those men to maintain their high spirits! Good moods and not falling into despair was at least as much important as being recovered physically. If they wanted to flirt, then they could flirt. But only that. 

There were moments that they crossed the line though. And at the moments like that you pulled an ace you never thought you would. You told them you were married. And to strengthen the effect you still had that damned ring on your finger! After some time you even forgot that it was there in the first place. However, you had also second version of this lie. 

There were nights and lazy moments that all nurses liked to spend talking about their families and loved ones. And obviously they noticed your ring. They assumed you were married and were predictably nosy about it. But you didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to fabricate more complicated stories that would be difficult to memorize later on… Moreover, as you lived among them it was easily noticed that you were not from there. A few of them actually asked you where you came from, as your accent slipped once or twice. So you told them everything. 

You told them that you came from the States. You told them that your husband was a butcher. But not ordinary one. He owned a net of small butchery houses so you were quite wealthy in America. Thanks to that you could travel to Europe not really caring for the costs, as you had some savings for yourself. You told them that your husband died. You told them he killed himself with a shot in the head when his business collapsed due to the Great Depression. It destroyed many families in the States after all. You told them that you had no family and couldn’t live in that place alone, that’s why you emigrated. But at the same time you were still too attached and wore that _damned ring_ , because you just couldn’t let it go of your past life. And you told them that you used it to keep male’s attention at bay as you still was not ready for that step. And that was basically the truth. 

Since that night, they never questioned you about anything personal. 

Marching down the aisle between two rows of beds you approached an old radio that someone dragged in, all the way there, to make the stay bearable. It usually was turned off though. All that radio stations reported were war events, new fights or amount of dead, or other political happenings. Generally, they didn’t say anything positive. And you wouldn’t have anything of that! One thing that Alastor imposed, one thing that grew on you was a smile. Despite the situation, you felt the need to make the others smile. 

So forgetting your personal dispute with radios, you took it upon yourself to find one positive radio station. The one station alone that didn’t say a word about war. And you did. Each time you approached the device you felt the wave of unpleasant nostalgia. The retro knobs and dials reminded you of that one radio you had at you house. Standing on the mantel, announcing you the only time when your abuser, _your Alastor,_ was truly at work. 

You usually was the only one that cared to turn the radio on, letting the music, and only music alone, into a field hospital. It helped with the sounds that sometimes came from the outside. After all, those tents were like an asylum, everyone was safe there….

That day, however, when you approached the radio and turned it on as usually, a familiar voice greeted you. And you felt as all color left your face. 

_“Hello, my lovely Darling~ I hope you have fun there without me…”_ your hands trembled and breathing grew painful as if you were under the water. _“I miss you, Y/N. When will you finally join me, hmm? I’ll warm you a quite nice spot by my side, Ahahaha!”_ You felt as one of your own hands grabbed your hair and pull against it painfully. The world started to spin and you had enough. 

“Oh shut up!” You angrily pushed the radio aside and the device fell to the ground with loud thud. Suddenly, at impact, the station tuned back and all you could hear was pleasant tune of lively song you intended to hear in the first place. Everyone present in the tent, soldiers and nurses alike, looked at you in surprise, some with fear, as you never acted so… brash before. You, realizing that the heavy silence fell in the tent, turned around and smiled awkwardly. You set the radio back on the table and excusing yourself you nearly ran outside. And no one ran after you. After a few minutes, quarter at most, you came back and resumed your work as if nothing ever happened before. 

….

One day you came into the tent to see a new, female face. When she turned to you, you froze in astonishment. She was so young that, give or take a few years, she could be your daughter. Her face was so honest, so full of life that you felt bad just standing in front of her. You, the person that tried hard to redeem your past sins, now stood in front of the girl that honestly wanted to help, because of a good heart. She was way too young to sin as much as you did. She couldn’t even imagine an atrocity that you saw yourself as. But you had to do it, _he_ forced you. _Now you were better. You always were._

“Hello! I’m Margaret! It is pleasure to meet you!” you told her your name, the real name before you stopped yourself. You tried to cover it, lying that it was in fact your second name which you rarely used. Careless on your side, but those honest and hopeful eyes seemed to see past all your lies. You couldn’t lie to her. 

“How old are you, dearie?” you asked her when the introduction was done. 

“19, Ma’am! But I studied hard to get in here so please treat me as a fully competent nurse!” 

“Of course you did…” you said wistfully. So young and yet throwing her life away so carelessly…”Don’t worry, treating you any less didn’t even cross my mind!” you smiled at her reassuringly. 

“F/N. For a word.” The head medic of the team called you, and nodding your head at the new member of the team you excused yourself. 

“I got the order. I’ll be transferred on the east tomorrow.” The medic waited for you to close tent lapels behind you before he started. 

“What are you talking about? Why so sudden?” you asked immediately. You knew that man for quite some time. You worked together more than a year, being transferred quite often, but always together as a team. 

“You know how it is. I am more needed there.” He simply said. The man was rather level-headed, you’d never seen him stressed out. He was an anchor that managed to calm all members of the team and patients alike. 

“I see... Who will be joining us?” you were slightly disappointed. Who knew what kind of personality would be sent there to take a lead. You met quite a few already, and you didn’t feel comfortable with many of them. 

“That young one you talked with was sent to fill the gap.” 

“No, I asked about a doctor.” You clarified, waiting for the right answer. 

“No one more is coming. Only her.” The man replied seriously and you paled immediately. 

“But you are the only one fully licensed doctor, here! And you leave?! We cannot stay for ourselves!” you hurriedly reasoned, your adrenaline level jumped up immediately. 

“You know that I don’t decide on that. And official documents don’t mean a shit in here! It is skill and experience that matters! Your responsibilities are actually the same as mine were. You know what to do F/N. I believe you do. You are the one that is the longest here, we worked together for the past one and a half of year, I know what you are capable of.” 

“But…”

“You can do this. You’ll stay with a pretty capable team as well.” He approached you, putting a hand on your shoulder. You jerked feeling manhandled a little, but swallowing your own discomfort, you forced yourself to stay still. That man was a _friend._ “Listen, just between us. This is a small camp, if something really bad happens, if you won’t manage to save someone, it is ok. It happens sometimes, you know that. Also medical service is not as monitored as it probably should be. No one will judge you for a slip up or two. This place is pretty much forgotten.” He put another hand on your other shoulder and shook you slightly. “So cheer up, and be that ray of sunshine for everyone that you usually are. Alright?” 

“Alright…”

“Great, I will announce it to the rest of the team and go pack myself. You are the boss now.” He left the enclosed part of the tent where your new ‘office’ were. It was all yours now. The cabinets full of medication, cabinets full of medical instruments. Everything that should stay under the close and keen eye of a person in charge. And since today, you were that person. And you were petrified. 

You were responsible to lead the team, to order them what to do. But you were always being ordered around, not the other way round. Did you even have that in you? You had to. There was no other choice for anyone. Well, it was either you or Ethel. 

Oh, Ethel, a real viper in woman’s skin.. You both were nurses and you both were sent to help at the same time. The only difference was that she was already a licensed nurse before the war started, while you were not. She always saw you as a threat. She didn’t believe lies or truths you told, she questioned you at each step. But you always were a step ahead. You were more talented, more capable and definitely more liked among either medical staff or your patients. But truth to be told, it was her who ended up in one bunk with a soldier or two at once instead. She simply disgusted you. 

Yes, you were personally asked to take over. You were to be in charge. And suddenly you felt something apart that fear. _You felt the satisfaction._ You could do whatever you saw fit. And it felt good. Being in control felt good. 

The next day, when your former boss bid his goodbyes and you were left alone with your team, you announced an inside meeting, just to set some rules straight. Of course, in the meantime you had the argument with Ethel, but it only resulted with her insubordination as she ignored your order and left the meeting while it still lasted. Well, she would pay for that sooner or later. You didn’t play hospital, you _played war._

You divided the chores between all women and clearly stated that the medication stays your responsibility. You would order new batches and also you would distribute it between nurses and patients. The cabinet would stay locked and the key was yours. If anyone would need anything, they were to ask you first. Always. With you, there were eight nurses in total. There were also two medical tents, twenty patents each. One of them was slightly bigger but part of it was separated to serve you as the ‘office’. You had your hands full. Thankfully, mostly you attended small injuries, the field hospital was rarely full with immobile or dying cases. The third tent in the medical area was the one you all slept in. 

It didn’t take you long to accustom to the new role that you got out of nowhere. You indeed knew what to do. Saving lives was surprisingly easier than typical work in hospital. After all, you didn’t need to worry about the aesthetics, what really mattered was to save a life and then, send the barely living, but still alive, out of the field, to fully fledged hospital. Those patients, veterans, were their problem then, not yours. 

So you get down to work immediately. 

You prepared a schedule of night shifts, as patients ought have been monitored 24/7. Everything worked just fine. Until once, when it was a night of Ethel’s duty. She was responsible to check on the patients during the night. Yet, she was nowhere to be find. As usual. You knew that she was probably in one of the soldier’s tents, _fraternizing_ with them for fun. But there should be no fun like that in the face of death. 

Despite the fact that the day before was very stressful and tiring, you couldn’t sleep. That day you got new portion of heavily wounded men. You managed to stabilize all of them, no one died on your table but… there were at least two ‘special’ cases that you had to examine once more, for the sake of your soul. 

So you quietly entered the tent, in the middle of the night. Everyone slept, too exhausted to even open their eyes. You eyed the two you came for, already knowing that you would need to help them. One of the men was burned beyond the point of recognition. Gauzes and bandages covered whole his body and it was highly probable that he would never fully recover, being scarred heavily and unable to use his both hands as the skin and flesh was literally burned down to the bone. He didn’t even sleep, it was more like a coma state of an existence. The other one was loudly heaving. His lungs were burned from the inside as he probably breathed in some hot fumes. The fire throwers were the children of cruelty, that only human mind could spawn. It wasn’t sure if he would survive in coming days with the inhalation system destroyed to this point. 

So you made you decision quickly. You took one morphine bottle and approached man burned to the crisp. One quick injection and he would feel nothing anymore. You looked around in the darkness once more to make sure that no one was there to witness what you were about to do. After that, you proceeded with your task at hand, and after disposing of the syringe, you approached another man. In this case you didn’t want to waste any more medication. His lungs didn’t work as they should anyway. So you chose a simple, old pillow instead. Eyeing your surroundings once again you took a lone pillow from unoccupied bed and pressed it firmly to the man’s face. You could feel him waking up in surprise as he started to struggle weakly, but despite the disproportion of strength between you two, he was way too exhausted to win. After a minute or two he stilled completely and you lifted the pillow checking its state. Noticing it had wet stains of saliva and probably other liquids, you changed the case, throwing the used one to a bin to wash it later. Then you looked around for the last time and with relived smile you left, feeling as you just lessened the pain of two poor souls and you were content with that. Good deeds made you happy. 

The next day when you entered the main medical tent you noticed Margaret standing in the middle of the alley with some folders in hand. The patients data. She looked disturbed, sad almost. So it seemed that she would report to you recently deceased. You approached her wearing compassionate expression and after greeting, she started with her duty. 

“Tonight three patients died …” she started and your eyes widened. 

“Three?” you asked surprised. Margaret started to summarize the suspected causes of death, but you didn’t listen to her at all. Your eyes scanned the rows of bed hastily. They ignored two cases you already knew about, and looked for the third one. When you found a bed with body covered with sheet from head to toes, your neutral expression converted to a sad one. 

You approached the bunk and lifted the hem of the cover to look at the face of the man. Yes, he was young, early twenties, such a waste. He was just a boy. He looked strong and yet his life was torn away from him. But he didn’t feel any pain anymore, certainly was in better place too, he was a good man fighting so bravely… and that lightened your mood slightly. You put your hands into a gesture of prayer and closed your eyes for a moment. A short moment. Then you opened them, covered the body with the sheet and not looking at it anymore, you turned to Margaret. 

“Remove the bodies and prepare beds for incoming patients.” You ordered coldly, ready to start your another day. 

“So soon?!” she looked at you utterly shocked but you merely approached her unfazed. 

“Margie…” you bent down slightly to her so you could speak quieter. “They are dead, they don’t need those beds anymore…” you straightened and approached lapels leading to your _office._ “Ask some of the boys to help you. They are heavy.” You instructed coldly for the last time and disappeared behind the makeshift wall. 

Later, you called all nurses to your sleeping quarters for a quick meeting. You wanted to spare poor patients. Those who should still rest, not to listen to the ongoing drama caused by an unprofessionalism. 

“They were all breathing when I last checked.” Ethel paled and tried to defend herself, poorly. 

“And when was that, pry tell?” you questioned seriously. 

“Before the midnight.” 

“And later?” 

“…In the morning…” she mumbled, looking at her feet. 

“When specifically?” you tugged her tongue. You wanted to teach her a lesson. How irresponsible one could be?! 

“After the dawn…” other nurses looked around, at one another in mild shock. 

“So it leaves approximately seven hours when patients were unattended.” You jabbed calmly. Your usual relaxed, even _angelic,_ expression gone. 

“They were sleeping without accidents!” she grew defensive but you merely frowned disapprovingly. 

“Yes, they slept so soundly that now at least three of them won’t wake up anymore.” Commenting offhandedly you heard a few gasps of other women. Yes, maybe it came out a bit too uncaring. You needed to be more careful with comments like that. “And maybe you would be generous enough to tell us where you have been, while you were gone?” 

“No, I will be not.” 

“You have three men on your conscience. Those are not your only sins, right? But, what else could be worse than a murder?” 

“I didn’t kill them!” 

“But you also didn’t save them when they probably could be saved… Where were you?” 

“Not you fucking business! It won’t happen again.” 

“Uhm, it better not.” You said aloud and then took a step ahead to invade Ethel’s personal space. _“Because at this rate there will be no one left to fuck anymore.”_ You whispered to her so only she could hear. She paled, but didn’t say anything back to you. You took a step back and smiled mildly as you usually tended to. “Let us go back to work, ladies! Our patients await and we clearly solved this misunderstanding already.” Other woman looked uneasy but agreed with you, not complaining at all. You all exited the sleeping tent and the only one that stayed behind was Ethel, still frozen in shock. 

...

Some other day you were in a smaller tent attending and conversing mildly with some of the men. They were in good moods so you also felt at ease. Suddenly, you heard a small explosion sound from the second tent, where you kept all medicine. The sound of breaking glass tore you off your current task and a moment later Margaret ran inside looking for you. 

“Y/N!” “she still kept calling you by your ‘second’ name. “The cabinet with morphine exploded!” you were on your feet in seconds, already next to the girl. 

“Who opened it?” you asked not looking at her. 

“Ethel, she’s hurt.” Another nurse that arrived with your young assistant added, both looking at you worryingly. 

“Oh, how…. unfortunate.” You said quietly but when no one saw a ghost of a smile ran across your lips. Your mood improved even more. 

You took the lead and now it was you going first ahead. The remaining nurses were already gathered around the injured one, and oh boy, it didn’t look good. Shards of glass adorned her hands and side of her face as she probably tried to turn it away the moment of explosion. Blood was everywhere, on the cabinets, on the floor, staining a few clean sheets. 

You circled the whole commotion like a predator does with its prey, but you didn’t step closer. The injured woman didn’t concern you. You approached the destroyed cabinet and examined the damage instead. What really worried you was the fact, that she managed to destroy at least one third of the morphine allocation that you managed to gather past few weeks. 

“F/N?” one of the girls called so you turned to them and observed as they observed you back. 

“Take that bitch away from me!” Ethel yelled, crying ugly out of pain and distress. “She is fucking psychopath! Who normal sets bomb in cabinets?! She wanted to kill somebody!” 

“Ladies, could you leave us alone? What happened here was an unfortunate accident. I explained it to you loud and clear on our first official meeting why it is important not to open the cabinet without my knowledge.” You reminded calmly and other nurses didn’t question you at all. You indeed told them that the cabinet was reinforced to prevent thefts. After all, you couldn’t keep everything under control if you are alone in charge on the literal battlefield. 

“What the fuck are you talking about you fucking bitch!... Oh god, it hurts!” You asked two of the nurses to help your unexpected patient on a cot and then leave. They did without a complain, closing lapels behind them. So only you two could talk. 

“Well, you supposedly thought that you could steal from me. Take something that was mine, alone.” You walked around so for a moment Ethel couldn’t see you. That would scare her more. Good. 

“What are you talking about? Yours?! This medication belongs to patients, if they need it. They get it! Will you help me now or not?!” she demanded through her tears but you were in no hurry. 

“You are wrong, you see…” you continued as calmly as you could. Ominously almost. “What would happen if I kept strong drugs unattended and completely helpless?” You asked rhetorically. “Anyone can get here, it is not like we have door with locks in these tents. The morphine would disappear and we would never find the thief.” You bent down to her, looking her straight in the remaining eye. Other was bloodied and swollen. Probably lost. “Do you know how important is it to keep its amount in check? Someone could die.” You hissed and she actually trembled. “So I installed this _guard dog_ and I tell you that everyone is aware of that fact. At least nurses are. But, who apart from them would open medical cabinet, no?” 

“You didn’t fucking tell me!” 

“Because you disobeyed me.” You simply responded and despite her tears and blood flowing down her face, she glared at you in disbelief and fright. “And twice that is. First you didn’t accept me as a leader and despite my orders you left the meeting. You also ridiculed my next decisions. And then… you opened the cabinet behind my back, in contrary to my specific instructions… And that one I repeated quite a few times…” you took out a metal pincers ready to start the procedure. “And now you take my time that I could give to actual patients. People who sacrifice themselves to fight for freedom.” 

“No, no don’t come any closer, call someone else!” 

“You are not in the position to order me around, dear… Also, in comparison to them, I am the best you can get.” You smiled this time. It was a self-satisfactory smile. “Let us begin the procedure. You have gotten yourself in kind of a predicament here. Removing of all those pieces would take some time. And it may hurt a little. At least before the morphine starts work.” 

“W-what morphine?!” 

“The morphine that you crushed and spilled on yourself. It probably got into your system through the cuts, in this case I cannot risk another dose….”

“What?! We both know it is impossible!” 

“No, it is _unlikely._ Not entirely impossible.” At that you grabbed the first piece and pulled out her flesh, earning a beautiful shout of pain. You threw it into a metal basin and smiled pleasantly at your patient. It would be quite entertaining. 

…

Ethel indeed lost her eye. But despite that she stayed on duty. She wanted to go home obviously, resign and escape from you but as the fights started to get more vicious there was simply no one to help in her stead, so she was unofficially forced to stay. Her conscience didn’t let her leave. After all she wanted to help those people too. 

But she avoided you at any cost. She didn’t question you anymore, however you had seen her anger directed at you. She merely wasn’t so open with that anymore. Due to that you weren’t entirely comfortable as you all shared one sleeping space. She could choke you in your sleep… but no… of course not everyone were after your head…. It was ridiculous assumption. 

It was already the beginning of the 1943. You felt more and more closer to your objective. You could just feel the cleansing of your soul. You helped whoever you could, however you could. Ethel for the first time voiced her suspicion as more and more soldiers died under your care, but that didn’t mattered. She didn’t mattered. Like one eyed crone she tried to expose you, but your caring and maternal traits, the ones that everyone recognized you for, easily beat her accusations. 

Oh, you could remember as one day…. 

…

“What are you thinking of, my lovely?” Alastor’s voice brought you back to the reality. The rest of your memories evaporated from your mind immediately and you started to register softness of the mattress under you back. You were back. 

“I was sleeping.” You replied with still closed eyes, trying to sound annoyed, but a small smile stretched you lips. 

“No, you were not, darling. Do not try to fool me….” Al rebuked you slightly and you could feel his crimson eyes on your face. 

“I am not trying anything at all…” you joked, rolling to the side to look at him. He didn’t move an inch, his book still levitated with his greenish energy. “I was recalling a few things… like my life after I killed you..” 

“Oh, whatever for, my sweet? Did you try to get yourself down again? I don’t understand why you tend to do so eagerly!” he rolled his eyes exasperatingly at you and crossed his arms across his chest. 

“Oh, hush, hush, you’ll wake others… They deserve some rest… And my mind leads me astray sometimes on its own… but this time it didn’t do that to get myself down…” you grinned smugly. Your spirits higher than before. “I was clever and sly like a fox!” with mischievous glint you flashed him your teeth once more. “I died, but they never caught me red handed!” you boasted childishly and bounced slightly on the bed in excitement. Alastor grinned down at you as well. 

“Hahaha! So will you finally admit that it wasn’t my fault that you got in the Hell?” he lifted his brow challengingly and immediately you pouted at him, but you weren’t entirely serious about it this time. 

“Oh, nonono, It was 100% of your fault!” you exclaimed stubbornly, but wiggling closer to him, like a worm, you embraced his midriff, pushing your face to his side. You heard his laugh and the sound of closing book. Then the light was turned off and you felt as he was changing his position, forcing you to let go of him slightly. You did so but only for a while. The moment he was lying down you clutched back to him and refused to let go. “Will you sleep the whole night, tonight?” 

“Who knows, if you’ll hold me down this strong for the whole time I may find myself unable to leave the bed before you wake up!” 

“Good.” You declared with already closed eyes and you felt him chuckling under his breath. “Goodnight, Alastor.” You whispered contently, cheek pressed snugly to his chest. 

“Goodnight, my Darling.” if he said anything after that, you didn’t know, as you let yourself to slip into sweet state of unconsciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Happy New year to everybody! Let us hope it would be better than the current one (and those described in the chapter :P )


End file.
